I know where your ring is…I know where your ring is…I’m not gonna tell you…I’m not gonna tell you…Nyah nyah…
The Perfect Match
by Morgoth Bauglir
Stuffy Elrond has a daughter named Arwen and two sons named Elladan and Elrohir. Arwen is beautiful and Elladan and Elrohir are pranksters. The first chapter will have them pulling a prank on Arwen. Maybe they can dye her hair purple and then she’ll go to Elrond and he’ll be all stuffy.
Please note: I did not say they lived in Homely Home.
Anyway, Thranduil has a son named Legolas. Arwen is a princess and Legolas is a prince so their two fathers who are friends decide it would be a wonderful idea to get these two together and arrange a meeting between them.
Thranduil, Legolas and 5 barrels of wine travel to Homely Home, where they are greeted by Elrond and Arwen. The two fathers try to introduce the two, but Elladan and Elrohir swoop down and scurry off with Legolas to “save him.” (They know about the set-up plan.) They tell Legolas about the plan, and he does not want to be set up with Arwen.
Elrond tells Arwen that she is going to marry Legolas whether she likes it or not. She does not like it. She runs away and is captured by orcs. Legolas, Elladan and Elrohir go to rescue her, but Legolas is captured by orcs and the sons of Elrond are injured and left for dead. A scout comes and finds them and brings them back to Homely Home where they slowly recover, but they are not able to talk, so nobody knows what happened to Legolas. Thranduil gets quietly drunk.
Meanwhile, Legolas and Arwen are put in a cave together because they are both captives. They argue and fight, Legolas annoyed that Arwen ran away – “because this is so much better than marrying me!” And it’s because of her that he got captured, and she says it’s because he’s a pansy that he got captured, so they fight. A lot. Right in the middle of their yelling, Legolas grabs her and kisses her, being the first elf to effectively shut her up.
They sit and look at each other, neither knowing what to do and both startled by what they are feeling when the orcs come in and there is a long drawn out torture scene. Arwen is struck by how well Legolas takes it, but she will not admit it to him. Legolas is touched by how easily Arwen breaks under the pressure, but he will not admit his growing desire to comfort and protect her. After the orcs are done, in a weak moment she turns to him and he holds her frail weeping form. He decides then and there that he is going to execute their escape.
Back at Homely Home, the sons of Elrond are getting back to their normal selves, but don’t feel like pulling pranks because they are worried about their friend and their sister. They tell Elrond and Thranduil that Legolas was captured and the two fathers feel terrible and begin to plan another rescue attempt. It is not necessary because Legolas has escaped with Arwen and although they are in terrible shape, they managed to get back to Homely Home. They recover and a party is thrown and Thranduil is so happy he drinks an entire barrel of wine himself.
During the party, Legolas and Arwen shy to the corners and are uncomfortable. Arwen thanks him tentatively for rescuing her, and Legolas tries not to blush. They are very obviously in love with each other, but won’t admit it. The fathers find them and think they are uncomfortable because they don’t want to get married. They realize that it was their imposed marriage that started the whole thing and tell the two young elves that they decided they don’t have to get married. Instead of the happy reaction they expected, Arwen runs to her room crying and Legolas storms out of the hall. The fathers chalk it up to stress.
Legolas and Thranduil are about to leave and Arwen doesn’t even come out to say goodbye. That clearly upsets Legolas. Elladan and Elrohir, being the only elves with any sense in the whole place, realize what is going on. Their sister would never be that rude for no reason, and Legolas would never be that much of a pansy to let something like that bother him. They hide the Mirkwood horses so the King and Prince have to stay a while longer. Elladan pulls Legolas aside and tells him that Arwen admitted last night that she was in love with him. Elrohir goes and finds Arwen and tells her that the Mirkwood Prince will not leave without professing his love to her.
Arwen and Legolas both realize their feelings and tell the fathers that they want to get married because they are in love with each other.