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9
Mirkwood

I sent a letter to Thranduil. I expressed my support of his wish to keep his forest named “Greenwood.” Strangely enough, I got it back marked, “Return To Sender.” So I checked the address and sent it again – same thing. Finally, after the third try I got a telegram from him, demanding that I don’t contact him again. Demanding! Listen buddy, maybe you can boss those wood elves around, but I don’t need to take that from you.

I may have suggested to Sauron that it would be a good idea to station a few Nazgûl in Dol Guldur, and to periodically launch attacks on the Wood Elves.

Yeah, that’s right Elf King. You messed with the wrong Dark Lord.


Mirkwood
by Morgoth Bauglir


There was a king of Mirkwood, the forest FORMERLY known as Greenwood, before it became a slum, who was a complete ass. One day a beautiful girl named Laurenniel ended up in Mirkwood, and was taken before the king. While she was there, she met the king’s son whose name was Legolas which means – wait for it – green leaf. How very surprising

Anyway, Legolas took one look at the girl with her stunning blond hair and flashing cobalt eyes and fell instantly in love with her. The girl fell instantly in love with him too, because although he was not as gorgeous as his father, she was human and stupid and thought all elves were gorgeous. Plus, he was much less of an ass than his father.

But Thranduil, being an ass, didn’t want the two of them to be together. He decided that she would have to live for a month on her own in Mirkwood in order to win the prince’s hand. Since she was so in love with him, she agreed. She packed her stuff and set out.

She made friends with the spiders and squirrels and butterflies, because no matter how vile and evil they were, they all fell in love with her. Meanwhile, Thranduil was too much of a pansy to defend his realm, so he cut a deal with Sauron (who he was calling Mr. Necromancer) to capture Laurenniel and kill her and make it look like an accident. Legolas overheard this and went to rescue her but it was too late. She was already captured.

He followed her down to Dol Guldur and risking his own life, rescued Laurenniel from the vile clutches of Sauron. Being too young to recognize Sauron for the pansy he is, Legolas fled with the girl. Since it had been a month and she was still alive, according to Thranduil, they could get married. Laurenniel said she couldn’t marry him as long as Thranduil was alive, since he had set up her capture. So they went back to the realm and Legolas killed his father since he was an ass anyway.

A few weeks later, King Legolas received an anonymous letter from the Void describing exactly how to get Sauron out of his kingdom in a way that would be the most embarrassing to the pansy dark lord. King Legolas followed the beautifully planned out instructions and became the most beloved Elvenking ever, because he knew better than to piss me off.

The End.

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