It’s been a bad thousand years.
First of all...that third letter was NOT from Fëanor, but from Glorfindel, ranting on and on about not calling Imladris “Homely Home” and blah blah blah whineycakes.
Then that bully Manwë shuts off my cable, so now my only entertainment is watching what is going on in Arda. What a borefest. I hate to admit it, but when Sauron was bumbling around it was at least humorous.
It only just started to get interesting 50 or so years ago, when those Istari appeared. I should have been keeping a closer eye on the Valar. They’re up to something and I hate being out of the loop. Then somehow Sauron managed to return. I know, I don’t get it either. Of course those fools down there have no idea it’s him, and are calling him the Necromancer. I suppose that’s a fancy word for idiot-who-cant-find-his-jewelry. And then they go rename the forest because of him.
So this story is written in protest, because I will NEVER call it Mirkwood. Sauron does not deserve that much respect.
by Morgoth Bauglir
One day in GREENWOOD, the King of GREENWOOD was walking along, admiring the trees of GREENWOOD. He turned to his wife, the Queen of GREENWOOD and said, “Isn’t GREENWOOD lovely this time of year?”
She turned back to him and said, “Yes, your royal hotness, GREENWOOD certainly is lovely this time of year. But aren’t you worried at all about the fact that in GREENWOOD there appears to be a teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy, not-at-all-scary shadow?”
Thranduil, the King of GREENWOOD turned to his wife, the lovely Queen of GREENWOOD and answered. “No, my dear Queen of GREENWOOD. I’m not worried. It’s probably just that pansy Sauron trying to find his pansy ring, and he for some reason thinks it’s in GREENWOOD.”
Then all the elves of GREENWOOD came out to have a party in honor of GREENWOOD because GREENWOOD was such a wonderful forest. They drank their wine of GREENWOOD and ate their food of GREENWOOD because that’s where they lived – in GREENWOOD.
One day, a man came to GREENWOOD and asked an elf of GREENWOOD, “My dear elf of GREENWOOD, what is the name of this fine GREENWOOD forest?”
The elf answered, “This forest was called GREENWOOD, is called GREENWOOD, and always will be called GREENWOOD, because that is its name. GREENWOOD. Its name is GREENWOOD. Let me tell you one more time. GREEN. WOOD. GREENWOOD.”
The man said “Thank you, fine elf of GREENWOOD, the forest that will always be known as GREENWOOD.”
And the elf said, “You’re welcome.” Because that’s what elves of GREENWOOD do.